The Broken Mosaic: Why I’m Not Hiding My Cracks Anymore

I recently learned about a Japanese art called Kintsugi. It is the centuries old art of repairing broken pottery with a lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver or platinum. When a bowl breaks, they don't throw it away, and they don't try to hide the cracks with glue. Instead, they repair the breaks with gold.

The cracks aren't seen as failures; they are seen as part of the object’s history. The piece becomes more valuable because it was broken and repaired.

Every practitioner develops their own style regarding how they do things, but fundamentally the basics are the same:

• Collecting the Broken Pieces: The pieces are carefully collected and cleaned. Before you take the steps into your recovery, you need to prepare yourself, collect yourself, and begin to clean yourself up.

• Preparing the Broken Edges: This involves patience. It often requires several applications, each needing to cure over the course of several days or more. Once this is done, you test the edges to ensure they are stable.

• Filling the Gaps: If a gap is large or deep, a coarse putty called kokuso it is used to build it up. This becomes incredibly strong. Then you leave a layer for it to be sanded and smoothed.

• The Binding: A special lacquer is applied to the edges, and the pieces are joined. Tape or bands are used to keep them in position while they cure.

The Patience of the Cure

As the Kintsugi process shows, you can't rush the repair. You have to clean the edges and let things cure for days at a time. In Recovery, at meetings they say take it "one day at a time".

There were gaps in my life, deep, "kokuso" sized gaps where I had lost years of my life and my career. I couldn't just paint over them. I had to build them back up with the coarse putty of hard work, discipline, and recovery. It is difficult, it is messy, and it takes time to sand down the rough edges.

The Myth of Being "Whole"

In marketing, we are taught to present the perfect image. No flaws, no gaps, no history. For a long time, I thought self-forgiveness meant I had to find a way to become unbroken. I thought if I worked hard enough, I could erase all of the detox centers, inpatient treatment centers, outpatient programs,  the memories of the car accident, the time in the recovery house in Hartford and sober house in New London. I wanted to be a smooth, perfect"object (person) again.

But that’s not how life works. Once a piece of pottery breaks, it’s never going to be the original version again. And for a long time, that reality made me feel worthless.

Tracing My Scars

When I look at my life now, living back in Derby, being a mom, and rebuilding my career, I see the cracks everywhere. There's a crack where I spent 2 years away from daughter and all those times I was away in rehab. There's a crack where my two long-term relationships were broken and shattered, and there's a crack where my professional reputation took a hit due to my record.

In the past, I tried to paint over those cracks with shame. But shame is a terrible glue. It’s brittle and it doesn't hold. Self-forgiveness, however, is strong. It’s the realization that I am allowed to be a Mosaic. I am a collection of beautiful pieces and sharp, broken edges, all held together by the gold of my recovery. Self-forgiveness is that GOLD!

The Strength of the Repair

The most incredible thing about a repaired mosaic is that it’s often stronger at the break points than it was before it shattered. My bond with my daughter is stronger today because I do not take showing up for her granted. My work ethic is stronger because I know the value of a second chance. My "Michele" brand is stronger than ever and more authentic because I am not wasting energy pretending I've never been through hell.

A Message to the "Broken"

If you are reading this and you feel like a pile of shattered pieces, stop trying to find the old you. That version of you is gone. But the NEW you the one held together by the gold of today’s choices is going to be much more interesting, much more resilient, and much more beautiful.

I’m not a perfect woman at all. I’m a Broken Mosaic. And for the first time in my life, I’m okay with the showing every piece of myself even the cracks.