Shifting from Guilt to Growth: Leaving the Anchor Behind

We all have chapters in our past we wish we could tear out of the book. For a long time, my past felt less like a story and more like a heavy, rusted anchor dragging me down.

When I first started my journey into recovery, I thought putting down the substance would automatically lift the weight. But it didn't. Instead, I was left standing face-to-face with an overwhelming tidal wave of guilt, shame, and embarrassment.

I was deeply ashamed of the person I used to be during my active drug addiction. I was ashamed of the person I've become, how I looked, how I felt about myself, the toxic relationship I stayed in, the cheating, the lies, and the absolute disrespect I tolerated for years. Looking back, I had to ask myself: WHY?? WHAT??? HOW??? WHERE?? AND WHEN???

• WHY did I put myself through all of this?

• WHAT was I thinking?

• HOW can I learn from this whole experience and situation?

• WHERE can I go from here and WHAT is my plan?

• WHEN am I going to stop having this pity party?

  
  

Looking back today, I know exactly why I put up with it for so long; all for the sake of being comfortable. But today, I can finally say something I never thought I’d say, I am no longer ashamed of the person I used to be. That person survived. And by answering those hard questions, I learned how to turn that heavy burden into my ultimate source of empowerment.

Facing the Real Anchors: Addiction and Relapse

To truly heal, I had to confront the exact anchors that kept me stuck for so long. My drug addiction and my constant relapses were massive weights. I had to hit a point of total honesty where I admitted I was powerless over my addiction. I couldn't stop on my own; I needed help and I needed to get to the root of the problem. Because if you do not work on the exact anchors keeping you stuck in that vicious cycle and pattern, you will never heal or move forward.

The truth that people don't talk about enough is that recovery isn't a straight line. Not every addict is "fixed" after one trip to rehab or a few therapy sessions. I relapsed several times. I had to keep going back to rehab, swallowing my pride, and fighting for my sobriety over and over again. Even to this day, I still go to therapy because I need that help. I am still struggling, still learning, and still finding new ways to cope with my mental health daily.

For years, the label of being a "drug addict" made me freeze with embarrassment. But the shift happened when I realized I had to stop beating myself up for a battle that millions of people across the world face every single day. I am not alone in this fight, and it is a daily fight.

The heaviest anchor of all was the agonizing feeling that I was a shitty mother. I would torture myself asking, Why can't I just stop using for my daughter? It took deep soul-searching and education to realize that I have a disease. If it were as simple as just choosing to stop for the people we love, I would have stopped years and years ago.

Being an addict did not make me a bad mother. I felt that way because I knew I could be an even better mom if I were sober, but despite my internal chaos, my daughter was always taken care of. I never let my addiction stop me from mothering her.

For a long time, I let the harsh judgment of outside people creep in and make me feel like a failure. But the truth is, I can't shift the blame onto the judgment of others for making me feel that way. Every single time I used, the guilt would creep in on its own. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but it just wasn't that easy to stop. That is one thing people who have never been in this situation will never understand and honestly, I hope they never have to.

Breaking Free from Toxic Dependency

My toxic relationship was another anchor that kept me paralyzed. I allowed myself to become entirely dependent on him and tolerated endless disrespect because I wasn't happy with myself. I was using drugs to numb my emotions so I wouldn't have to face my reality.

When you're in that fog, it’s easy to blame them. But I had to stop blaming him for everything. I realized he was not responsible for my actions; I am only responsible for my own. I am in control of my own life, and if I was that unhappy, I could have done something about it instead of staying.

Every person is responsible for their own actions, and I had to stop taking on the responsibility for his. I could no longer blame myself or keep thinking that I did something wrong to make him treat me that way. I had to stop thinking there was something wrong with me. I was carrying the guilt of his actions, internalizing it as if it were my fault.

But it was not me. He is responsible for his own actions. He did what he wanted to do for his own selfish reasons, and it had absolutely nothing to do with me. He made his choices, and that is something he has to live with, not me.

That painful relationship made me realize a lot about myself. One of the main things I learned was that I did not deserve any of that. I deserve better. I deserve someone who makes me feel like I am more than enough. After confronting the underlying issues within myself, I have finally found respect for myself again. I will never allow anyone to disrespect me, and I will never settle for less than what I need or what I deserve again.

Getting to the root of the problem and facing everything that happened in that relationship and even the relationships before it is what helped me heal so I could finally move on. It cleared the fog from my mind so I could focus on myself and get back to the person I truly am. And I can finally say, I am back.

Understanding the Difference: Guilt vs. Shame

When you are drowning in that dark headspace, guilt and shame feel like the same thing, but they serve two very different purposes:

Guilt says: "I did something wrong."

Shame says: "I am something wrong."

Shame labels you. It tells you that you are the mistake. Guilt, on the other hand, is a signal. It tells you that your past choices do not align with your true values today. Instead of viewing guilt as an obstacle, see it as feedback. Ask yourself: What is this feeling trying to teach me?

When you change your perspective and look at guilt as a teacher, it stops causing shame and becomes a catalyst for personal growth. That is exactly what I did. It's why I am sharing this advice with you today so you can see things from a completely different perspective, too.

When that shift takes place, believe me, something wakes up inside of you. You realize that true transformation happens when you release the need to punish yourself and focus on self-compassion. In order to heal, you need to stop defining yourself by your past, and start defining yourself by how you overcame everything you went through. And that is exactly when the healing begins.

Cutting the Anchor of Resentment

You cannot sail with your anchor down because you will stay stuck. And that is exactly what happened to me. I've learned that your anchors are the regrets, resentments, and failures that consume your mental health. If you do not want to stay stuck, you need to work on channeling those anchors so you can free yourself from those heavy emotions and finally set sail into the open ocean. And trust me, once you do, you realize there is a whole world out there waiting for you.

In my past relationships, I dragged every single one of those anchors behind me. I felt a deep regret that eventually turned into the massive resentment I carried toward my ex and his girlfriend. Then, that resentment turned into pure anger. I was angry because I felt like I had failed myself by allowing them to disrespect me the way that they did. I was embarrassed by all of it. After numbing myself for so long with drugs, I finally had to sit down and allow myself to actually feel those raw emotions.

Eventually, I knew that I had to work on forgiving my ex. Not for him, but for ME.

Forgiveness is about taking the power away from the hold the past has on you. Once you do that, you control the power. And I took my power back. When you forgive someone for your own sake, you take the remote control out of their hands and free yourself from bitterness. I am not going to lie, I do still feel that bitterness creep in at times. It is hard. But while I will never forget what happened, the memory no longer controls my future.

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. The reason for all of that pain was to free me from a toxic, unhealthy situation I no longer needed in my life. Now, I have the freedom to choose exactly who I allow into my space moving forward. I also believe in karma what goes around comes around. And believe me, it always comes back around.

In addition to that relationship, I was also carrying a heavy bitterness toward friends I thought were judging me instead of supporting me. I felt like when I was at my lowest and needed them most, they turned their backs on me. I firmly believe that if you are friends with someone, you are supposed to be there through the good times and the bad times.

But looking back, going through that storm helped me learn who my real friends actually are which was a lesson I needed to learn sooner rather than later.

To move forward, I had to work through those emotions, too. It forced me to look at things from a completely different perspective and try to see things from their points of view. Doing that opened my eyes tremendously. It allowed me to see how my addiction and the chaos surrounding it affected them. It didn't excuse their behavior, but it gave me the clarity to take accountability, stop playing the victim, and truly heal.

Flipping the Script: A New Kind of Anchor

I am still learning, changing, and growing daily. I will always have anchors in my life challenges, memories, and mental health battles will always exist. But I refuse to let those anchors hold me down or make me feel stuck anymore.

In fact, I am flipping the script on the word "anchor."Instead of letting my past be a dead weight dragging me to the bottom of the ocean, I am using my anchors now to keep me secure. My anchor today is my grounding force. It is the weight that holds me down to reality, keeping me steady, safe, and deeply rooted in who I am, my self-respect, and my love for my daughter, family and friends.

Action Steps: Activities to Help You Let Go

You are entirely responsible for your own healing, your own actions, and how the past impacts your future.

To help you move from awareness into action, here are a few tangible activities that I personally used to heal, get uncomfortable, and release the weight:

• Shift the Narrative (Regrets to Opportunities): Write down a list of your biggest regrets. Next to them, write down a transition of what you lost versus what you gained, and list the gratitude you have for the lessons learned from those mistakes.

  My Personal Experience: I have a lot of regrets, but one of my biggest is the time I missed with my daughter. I stayed in that toxic relationship because I was terrified of losing her. In the end, I lost her anyway for a little bit. But today, I have her back in my life. I am so incredibly grateful for the relationship and the time I get to spend with her now. That pain taught me that I had to fight harder for her, and that is exactly what I did.

• The "Release & Burn" Letter: Write a letter to yourself or to someone who wronged you. Pour every ounce of your raw feelings onto the page to express the anger, the hurt, and the resentment. Once it's all out, safely rip it up or burn it as a physical symbol of letting it go.

  My Personal Experience: While I was in treatment, I wrote a raw letter to the significant other who played a major part in everything that happened in my past relationship. I actually shared that letter right here on this blog as part of my release.

• The Intentional Forgiveness List: Write down a specific list of what you need to forgive yourself for, and explicitly state your intention to stop punishing yourself for it.

  My Personal Experience: Trust me, there is a long list of things I’ve had to work on forgiving myself for. I have been actively choosing to stop punishing myself by expressing my truth through this blog. My deepest hope is that by sharing my raw story, it will resonate with someone out there and help them heal, too.

• The Memory Shoebox: Find an old box. Gather physical items tied to heavy memories old cards, letters, or written-down painful memories. Put them in the box and hide it away until you are genuinely ready to face them on your own terms.

  My Personal Experience: Doing this actually reminded me of putting together a time capsule back in elementary school. When I was finally strong enough to reopen that box and go through the items, I realized that some of the things in there actually held good memories. It reminded me that my entire past wasn't bad. I will cherish those good moments for what they were, but they belong in the past now, and that box is officially in the garbage.

• Set a Bi-Weekly Growth Goal: Every two weeks, set one new goal. It could be a mental challenge, a physical activity, or a new social encounter. It must be completely new to force you out of your comfort zone, because you cannot grow where you are comfortable.

  My Personal Experience: One of my goals I set was to finish reading the book I started reading by James Patterson "Mary, Mary".

Shifting from guilt to growth isn't an overnight process, but changing the way you view your anchors is the only way to finally stand steady.